The price was paid

I think I paid the price yesterday for 'over doing it' on Saturday.

A morning of bed-shopping and a visit from Debs' Niece and Nephew yesterday were enough to ensure that I was consigned to the sofa, where I slept for the rest of the afternoon.

I had a great night's sleep, and today I feel a lot stronger, however I intend not to over-exert myself.

The vein in my left arm, the arm in which I had the cannula during my last visit, is still really sore - its become hard, and not squishy and soft like it used to be before all this started. The Doctor told me on Friday that I now have fibrosis in this vein. It just seems to me that I am constantly learning about new permanent side-effects I will have to live with. Oh well, as Debs says, I will just need to think of them as battle-scars. If that's the case, I already feel like a war veteran, except that this war has yet to finish.

Good to be out and about

I woke up this morning to my body and mind telling me that I feel great!

My new found vigour was amplified this morning courtesy of another encouraging 'get well' card from our good friends, Jo and John Crossfield. The words of the card struck just the right cord with me, and has contributed to me sustaining this elevated sense of well-being throughout the day.

I have learnt to feel appreciative of a day like this. Waking up these days has almost been like a lottery for me - never really being sure what my body would allow me to do, and what thoughts my mind would subject me to during the course of the day.

Its been a really warm day today, and I am thankful to Debs for encouraging me to take a walk down to the Sutton High Street with her. I left Debs at the hair-dressers and I continued my walk down the High Street, stopping at Starbucks to treat myself to a Frappacino. I figured this time next week I'll be back in the hospital, drugged-up to my eyeballs, so a little divergence in the diet was definitely in order.

I stopped in to visit my pal Marcus (my former neighbour) en route home, but he wasn't in.

I am back home now, watching England getting thrashed by India in cricket, and I feel really good that I was able to make the walk, both there and back, without so much as even breaking a sweat, or getting out of breath. Surely a good sign. I do feel a little tired though, but I guess that's to be expected. Nevertheless, my spirits remain high.

I am waiting for Debs to call to tell me that she is finished at the hairdressers, so that I can go and pick her up. From there we plan to do a quick supermarket shop.

Tonight we haven't figured out what we want to do. I think we may go out for an early dinner. I really want to capitalise while I am in this mood, and my energy levels are this good. I do, of course, run the risk that I will totally exhaust myself by the time the day is done. If so, that's fine, at least I would have had a taste of normality for an entire day.

Stu's regular update

Hi Family and Friends,

I was discharged from hospital last Wednesday, after completing round 3 of my hospital stays.

My time in hospital was surprisingly slightly easier then round 2, although the steroids (used as an anti-sickness medication) still proved to be a little devil. I did however manage to persuade the platoon of Oncologists and Doctors to lower the dosage. This seemed to work, as the cumulative effects of steroids were only felt later in my stay. In fact, I only really felt them on my final night, when my muscle spasms, shakes, restlessness, edginess were so severe, they had to give me a muscle relaxant to help me sleep. Thankfully, I did manage to get a bit more sleep during my stay, and the routine of peeing into plastic bottles has become just that, routine.

Eating proved to be a real struggle, and it became functional rather than for enjoyment purposes. It wasn't so much the quality of the food, but more so the delicate nature of my tummy.

Although I managed to get more sleep in the hospital this time round, and although my steroid dosage had been reduced, my time recovering at home hasn't been fun. The cumulative effects of the steroids still seemed to take hold for 2 nights after my return home, and I had to resort to the continued use of the muscle relaxants to help me sleep. In fact, as I type this email, I can still feel a subdued twitch in my right leg from the steroids. It does seem to be improving as each day passes though.

Other side-effects I am currently feeling: my tinnitus (ringing in the ears) seems to have got worse - not so much that its louder its just more frequent. I am told this is something I may have to live with for the rest of my life. A small price to pay for my life I guess. I am also experiencing weird nervous sensations at the tips of my fingers. It feels as though the tips of my fingers have been burnt. From research I have done, I think this is known as 'Peripheral Neuropathy'. It may get worse after my next treatment, and yet again, may well be something I need to live with. I have also been feeling emotionally quite low over the last few days, although I do seem to be returning to my normal perky self.

Although I have been very much 'out of it' since returning from hospital, I haven't needed as much sleep as I thought I would need for this stage of the treatment. I also think it has taken me slightly longer this time round to start getting my strength back. So, for those of you who left messages on my phone last week and on the weekend, I look forward to hopefully speaking to you really soon, now that I am beginning to feel a bit more like me.

I have been given another course of Growth Factors to keep my white blood cell count up. The weird thing is that I have sort of got used to having to inject myself on a daily basis now. I guess this daily routine temporarily replaces other such routines as washing my hair and shaving.

My darling wife, Debs, has continued to remain an incredibly indestructible source of strength and support to me. I don't know how she manages to remain so positive around me all the time. I know it isn't easy for her, as the physical effort that goes into looking after a cancer patient is truly exhausting. She still manages to perform in her job, while rushing home early every evening to cook my meals. I look at her and think that she truly is the unrecognized hero in all of this. I would have given up the battle along time ago if it weren't for Debs at my side.

One of the thoughts that is almost constantly weighing on my mind at the moment, is whether or not I will require a further operation to remove any dead cancerous lymph nodes in my abdomen. This operation is by no means a certainty, in fact my Oncologists advise me that there is a 25-30% chance I will need it. The plan of attack, as I am advised, is that they will monitor at the end of my treatment, through CT scans, how much the Lymph Nodes have shrunk as a response to the treatment. This will basically be an interative process, as it is probably the case that the Lymph Nodes will reduce in size over a period of time. At what stage the decision to operate, or not, will be taken, I am not yet sure about. Its just a 'wait and see' type game. In the meantime, I just need to focus on gearing up for what will be my last treatment starting next Friday 17 August. Its still hard to believe that I can start thinking in terms of my next treatment being my last. What a roller-coaster of a ride this has been so far.

All my love and blessings to all of you out there who have been here for me since day 1. Your support has given me the strength and comfort to face this.

Stu